Sometimes, it makes me wonder. How do people change? How can people say that other people have changed? And how can one be sure that what one is doing is right or wrong? I don't know, sometimes, stuff just stuck in my mind, wandering in there and makes me thinking. If I ever did a mistake, would I even realize it was a mistake? And would I be given a chance to correct the mistake and sort things out like what they were at the first place? How can I know what I'm doing is a right thing to do? What if I'd end up with bad result? Would I just look back and say, "Crap, it was totally a mistake" and start it all over again?
I am fine. Well, at least I think I am. I don't care if people say I am not. Bitch please, I know myself best. Heh.
What happened to me lately has brought me to what a friend of mine has said a few years back. Something she said about things that happen so fast. Well... I know, I mean we both know it. Knowing each other for just a few weeks is obviously not enough. I need time, you do, too. I always say to myself, whatever happens, I will keep myself on the track. So I questioned myself. "How did I let you in?"
Hello, eyes that see and mind that reads. Well, this is me, Fatien Amirah binti Abdul Latif confessing that I'm in love with this guy...let's name him A. "Did you fall in love because he's handsome?" I said, "No". Then, they asked, "Then, what?". I looked over my shoulder and answered, "Because he's plain him".
Pardon me for being too corny. It just didn't happen that people came up to me just to ask why do I like him. I just wanted to be ready if someone happens to ask me the same question and that I am afraid if I couldn't give an answer. LOL. He did ask, and nehh, I couldn't come up with any answer. The story is, I like his casual singing when I first met him during our campus' Entrepreneurial Week which was held in a week time and it took three days of that five-day period for him to coincidentally stopped by my stall. Wheww. It was our second semester of our junior year and I never met him before that day. Frankly, yes, I fell in love with his voice. And I thought I could get rid of that oh-I-have-a-new-crush-so-I-better-get-to-know-him-well thing. Shit, no. We have friends that know everything and what they do is to make sure that, that crush of mine knows that I like him. Fast forward till one night I received a text message from him...we started as friends...and the rest you've figured out.
I'm not telling you our love story, of course. It's just that I'm telling you I'm being a human who does second thought. Because most of us don't end up with first love - Yep, I failed in my first relationship - and if you do, you're one of the luckiest. Because if you don't, you'll be haunted by it like forever. Because you feel like there's no such thing that the scars will disappear. It will never do, really. If the scars do disappear, they leave trace. It's always there, like a little part of you had been stained for eternity and things will never look the same. Lesson learned. But I learned it the hard way. Who says falling in love is easy? (Blergh) Because I just wanted to just be a friend but I knew I couldn't help it. I kept refusing the feeling but man, who the fuck I was kidding. I couldn't. I tried, at least, to watch every step I make. I was hurt before. It's like I just let it broke my heart . He told me he loved the hell outta me but he ended up stomping my broken heart into pieces and threw them into filthy dump surrounded with filthy hungry carnivores. I don't want this to happen again, no, not with A.
"Being with someone isn't daunting, what's truly daunting is surrendering your heart and soul to them without being certain of what they'd do with it." - Ally.
A, I love you. Please stay.